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May Sahar Counsellor and Couples Therapist

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We are not fundamentally flawed or somehow ‘broken’ and in need of ‘fixing’. We are all a work in progress and have an innate potential to grow and change.

The Terrace (CBD) & Wilton
Monday to Thursday 9.45am - 5.30 inclusive
I offer both counselling and psychotherapy for individuals, and couples therapy.

Online Counselling & Therapy Now Available

Contact NameMay Sahar
Address151 Wilton Road
North Island 6012
Email Make an Enquiry

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Why Are You Seeking Counselling/Therapy?

Do you want to have more joy and satisfaction in your life and get ‘unstuck’ from old patterns that are holding you back? Or has something more immediate happened that has thrown you off kilter and you’re not sure how to find your feet again?

There are many reasons that people seek counselling and therapy. You might know clearly what the problem is or you might be grappling with the end result, not knowing how you got there, or what it means. Either way, if you are reading this, then you’ve decided you could use some help to figure things out or to work through what has happened.

What is the difference between Counselling and Therapy?

In theory, counselling addresses problems that are relatively amenable to change in short term work, whereas therapy addresses longer-term issues, perhaps originating in your family of origin, that take more time to fully understand and change. But in practice, these often overlap. I think in-depth personal growth is invaluable, but I am also happy just to help someone get past a roadblock. I make it a priority to be available to former clients who want help with maintaining their gains under changed conditions, solving another problem, or taking the work to a deeper level.

What You Can Expect

I will provide a confidential, emotionally safe environment where, together, we can examine the issues that you bring. I will guide you in reflecting on your life experience and your current distress so you can make sense of it. I offer my skilled support to help you develop effective tools for growth and change. Each person is a unique individual, and each couple has their own complexities, so effective counseling and therapy needs to be 'customized'.

Is your relationship in distress?

You may be at a point where you feel caught in a negative cycle of interacting that you can’t seem to break out of. You try to talk about a problem and only end up feeling worse, more bruised and misunderstood than when you started. You desperately want to be close but your partner feels out of reach. Couples often arrive at therapy wanting ‘problem solving’ strategies or for the therapist to tell them who is wrong and who is right. But as you may have already discovered, this do not solve the problem. Gaining understanding into what is fuelling this cycle, and the deeper feelings and needs underlying it, can change the relationship dynamics in a deep and lasting way. Learning how to be open, attuned and responsive with each other builds a secure foundation and when you feel secure with each other and have no need for the armour of defensiveness, you can find solutions that will work for both of you, whatever the problem happens to be.

Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT)

My primary way of working with couples is Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy; EFT focuses on creating and strengthening the emotional bond between partners. EFT is recognized by the American Psychological Association as an empirically proven form of couple therapy. Rigorous studies during the past 15 years have shown that 70-75% of couples who go through EFT recover from distress, are happy in their relationships, and the results appear to be lasting!

NZ EFT community Summary of the research that has been done on EFT ‘Attachment' and EFT How attachment affects your love life

Affairs, Infidelities, Breeches of Trust

There are no easy ways to recover from these events, and sometimes the relationship may not be repairable. But it is often possible for the relationship to be rebuilt, for trust to be reestablished and to be able to go on with your lives. EFT is ideally suited to this process, because it aims to establish a secure bond for the couple relationship. EFT does not ignore the negative consequences such as deep hurt and betrayal, and it does not ignore the fact that people have responsibility for their actions. But ‘shaming and blaming’ either partner is unlikely to be helpful in coming to understand how you both got here. I provide a respectful and compassionate environment where I can help you both to understand what happened and to guide you in repairing your relationship, if that is what you wish to do.

Link to TED Talks:

Brene Brown on Vulnerability

Clinic Location

Two days a week I work from Braemar House, Level 3, Suite 7, 32 The Terrace, right next door to St Andrews Church. The other two days a week I am immediately opposite the Otari-Wilton Bush Reserve at 151 Wilton Road. There is a large paved area in front of the house where you are welcome to park. The downstairs front door, which has a green canopy above it, is the door into the clinic. Wilton Road is 10-15 minutes by car from the CBD. You can get to it a number of ways, either through Kelburn, through Wadestown or via Aro Street. Please ask me if you would like more detailed directions.

About Me

I hold a BA (Psychology major), a Diploma of Counselling obtained from the Psychosynthesis Institute (Auckland), and have completed a three year course of psychotherapy training with the Institute of Transactional Analysis (Wellington). I am fully certified by ICEEFT as an Emotionally Focused Couples therapist. I am a fully registered member of PAnzA (Psychosynthesis Aotearoa NZ & Australia Inc.), which has its own Code of Ethics and Complaints Procedures. and am currently in training as a Psychotherapist, and am a Provisional Member of the NZ Association of Psychotherapists. I am a member of ICEEFT - the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy. I have faced many difficulties during the course of my own life, and the two supports of therapy and mindfulness practices, have been indispensable. I know from the depths of my being that increasing self awareness is the crucial learning that allows us to develop more joy, satisfaction, peacefulness and love in our lives. I have an ongoing interest in mindfulness meditation and Eastern philosophy and in how practices from these traditions may be used by Westerners, regardless of their spiritual tradition or beliefs, to foster self-awareness and personal growth. I am a second generation Pakeha. Wellington has been my home, except for a few years in my early twenties when I lived and travelled overseas, one year of which was spent on a Kibbutz in Israel. I have two children, now young adults. I had a relationship of 25 years duration with my late husband.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers, Which cannot be given Because you would not be able To live them. The point is, To live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then Gradually, Without noticing it, Live along some distant day Into the answers. " - Rainer Maria Rilke

Some Great Books To Read

What is Psychotherapy? The School of Life (2018)

An excellent, concise primer (about 100 pages), on what psychotherapy is and how it can help you.

It’s Not You, It’s What Happened To You:

Complex Trauma And Treatment Christine A. Courtois I often see people in my practice who have no idea that the things they endured in their childhood have shaped them in ways that are causing ongoing problems in their adult lives. They think there is something fundamentally flawed or broken or inadequate in themselves, when in truth, they were forced to develop ways to cope in an adverse environment. The paradox is that these very essential coping strategies, when continued into adult life, can prevent the satisfaction and enjoyment they long for in their lives now. A universally acknowledged leader in this emerging psychotherapeutic field, Dr. Courtois provides here an abbreviated (100 pages) and easy-to-read explanation of what complex trauma is, how it develops, the ways in which it manifests, and how it can effectively be dealt with. The book opens with an explanation of trauma in general—providing historical perspective, examining the various types of traumatic experience, and looking in-depth at the chronic, repetitive, and layered forms of trauma that often build upon and reinforce one another to create complex trauma. Next Dr. Courtois discusses trauma-driven emotional turmoil, and trauma’s effects on memory, self-image, relationships, and even physical wellbeing. She then provides readers with a basic understanding of the ways in which complex trauma is diagnosed and assessed, with an explanation of all common trauma-related diagnoses—including stress disorders (such as PTSD), dissociative reactions and disorders, and frequently co-occurring issues (addictions, self-injury, sleep disorders, etc.)

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

By Dr Sue Johnson Heralded by the New York Times and Time as the couple’s therapy with the highest rate of success, Emotionally Focused Therapy works because it views the love relationship as an attachment bond. This idea, once controversial, is now supported by science. In Hold Me Tight, Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to re-establish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond. With this in mind, she focuses on key moments in a relationship-from "Recognizing the Demon Dialogue" to "Revisiting a Rocky Moment" -- and uses them as touch points for seven healing conversations. Through case studies from her practice, illuminating advice, and practical exercises, couples will learn how to nurture their relationships and build a lifetime of love. (Adapted from Amazon Reviews)

Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships

By Dr Sue Johnson A revolutionary new understanding of why and how we love, based on cutting-edge research. Every day, we hear of relationships failing and questions of whether humans are meant to be monogamous. Love Sense presents new scientific evidence that tells us that humans are meant to mate for life. Dr. Johnson explains that romantic love is an attachment bond, just like that between mother and child, and shows us how to develop our "love sense"--our ability to develop long-lasting relationships. Love is not the least bit illogical or random, but actually an ordered and wise recipe for survival. Love Sense covers the three stages of a relationship and how to best weather them; the intelligence of emotions and the logic of love; the physical and psychological benefits of secure love; and much more. Love Sense will change the way you think about love. (Adapted from Amazon Reviews)

Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

By Emily Nagoski Ph.D. A New York Times Bestseller, and deservedly so. An in depth exploration of why and how women’s sexuality works—based on the most recent research and brain science. Researchers have spent the last decade trying to develop a “pink pill” for women to function like Viagra does for men. So where is it? Well, for reasons this book makes crystal clear, that pill will never be the answer. But as a result of the research that’s gone into it, scientists in the last few years have learned more about how women’s sexuality works than we ever thought possible, and Come as You Are explains it all. The first lesson in this essential, transformative book by Dr. Emily Nagoski is that every woman has her own unique sexuality, like a fingerprint, and that women vary more than men in our anatomy, our sexual response mechanisms, and the way our bodies respond to the sexual world. So we never need to judge ourselves based on others’ experiences. Because women vary, and that’s normal. Second lesson: sex happens in a context. And all the complications of everyday life influence the context surrounding a woman’s arousal, desire, and orgasm. Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but how you feel about it. Which means that stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it. (Adapted from Amazon Reviews)

SexSmart: How Your Childhood Shaped Your Sexual Life and What to Do with It.

By Aline P. Zoldbrod Ph. D. Whether your problem is lack of desire, difficulty with sexual functioning, sexual pain, sexual addiction, anxiety, sexual inhibition, or fear of sexuality altogether, your life growing up as a child in your family may be partly to blame. Fully a third of us grew up in homes where our sexual development was terribly derailed, due to alcoholism or drug abuse, mental illness, witnessing spousal abuse, experiencing physical, emotional or sexual abuse, or just plain neglect. For others of us, the family problems were so subtle we never recognized them. Sex Smart is the award-winning book praised by America's top sexologists as an essential guide for understanding your sexual self and solving your problems. ''Sex Smart is a wonderfully written, clear account of the many factors that shape and influence our sexual selves. Unlike most self-help books, which focus on aspects of sexual performance, Dr. Zoldbrod takes a broad, integrative view. With great skill and warmth, she weaves a tapestry of complex non-sexual events in our past that determine the ways in which we relate sexually. Complemented by rich clinical vignettes, her book will be welcomed by those wishing to understand the nuances and mysteries that contribute to our sexual being.'' --Derek C. Polonsky M.D., Department of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School (Adapted from Amazon Reviews)

Dancing With Fire: A Mindful Way to Loving Relationships

By John Amodeo, PhD Winner of the 2014 Silver Independent Publisher Book Award in the relationship category and winner of the Spirituality and Practice Award as one of the best spiritual books of 2013. The search for inner peace is often met with what seems like a conflicting path - the irresistible pull of love and connection with others to which we are drawn. Reconciling these opposites, John Amodeo shows how spirituality and vibrant relationships are identical. He says that Buddha's concept of the root of suffering is misunderstood. It is not desire that causes suffering; desire is the fire that springs from the basic life force. Drawing upon the science of attachment theory, Amodeo illuminates how the root of our suffering is disconnection from ourselves and others, which is fuelled by clinging to what doesn't serve us. In a conversational tone, Amodeo presents relationship as sacred experience. He teaches how to welcome desire mindfully rather than suppress it and how to overcome fear of failure in relating. He also discusses meditation as self-intimacy and holding ourselves with loving-kindness. Lastly, he explores the role of community in spiritual awakening and the issue of whom to trust--our guru or ourselves? (Adapted from Amazon Reviews)

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

By Janis A. Spring This is extremely helpful reading for any couple who has experienced the violation of trust as a result of an affair. It addresses the experiences of both the betrayer and the betrayed, in a way that helps both people move forward from the initial shock and hurt. After the Affair offers proven strategies for surviving the crisis and rebuilding the relationship. Janis Abrahms Spring, Ph.D., is a therapist and acknowledged expert on infidelity, and this revised and updated version brings this classic into the 21st century, with a new section dealing with online affairs in cyberspace. (Adapted from Amazon Reviews)

The image on this page is a painting by the New Zealand artist Ian Hamlin (1986)

Service Categories
Counselling, EFT, Mens Health, Womens Health

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